Stop Pretending and Start Living Authentically

Do you catch yourself smiling when you're actually sad, or agreeing with others just to keep the peace? Join me in this episode to explore how the exhausting habit of pretending affects our emotional well-being and self-worth. Learn why you don't need to maintain a perfect facade and discover practical steps to embrace your authentic self – because true strength comes from being real, not from being perfect.

In this episode, I cover the following:
1. Common ways women pretend in their daily lives.
2. How pretending takes an emotional toll and erodes self-worth.
3. Steps to begin dropping the mask, including journaling exercises and sharing authentic feelings with others.

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💗 Dr. Steph
@DrStephanieLopez
www.brave-method.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

I'm Dr Steph and I want you to know that you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You are not, in fact, broken and I'm going to show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome back. I have a question for you. Have you ever caught yourself smiling when you are actually really sad, or agreeing with somebody just to avoid conflict? I know I have, and this has been on my mind lately because at the time of this recording, I recently found out that the second embryo transfer was unsuccessful. If this is the first episode you're listening to and you're a bit confused, you can go on Instagram at Dr Stephanie Lopez and check out the surrogacy highlight that I have, and it talks all about my journey as well as answers lots of your questions. Now, as I shared the news with friends, I observed myself having some thoughts like I can say I'm fine, I can say I'm okay, I can share how I'm really doing, I can allow myself to feel supported. Now, am I saying that you have to be open with everyone? Am I saying that, if you feel sad that you have to tell everyone. No, absolutely not. But what I am asking you to reflect on is will you allow yourself to be seen by at least a few? Will you allow yourself to be supported? Will you allow yourself to step out of the role of taking care of everyone else and step out of the role of making sure everyone else is okay? And I'm you know, if you're an all-or-nothing thinker, I'm not saying don't worry about anyone else, because that you know. I just that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying what if you give a little bit more to yourself?

Speaker 1: 2:29

Many women spend their days pretending, pretending to be happy, pretending to be confident, pretending to have it all together, and I totally get this. I was in a place for many, many, many years and, to a large extent, like I did not even realize how much I was pretending until somebody asked me this question what do you sometimes pretend? And if you're like many, your initial reaction would be like uh, I don't know, I don't feel like I'm pretending, and maybe like little tiny things pop in your head. I'm like I pretend to like that meal that the person made. No, that's not what I'm talking about. I mean, it's an example. It's small, but what I've seen is that the more that you allow yourself to reflect on this question, the more that you'll see it. And it works even better at an in-person event like my 5J Bravecation retreat, because then you can hear what others come up with, and a lot of times I hear people oh yeah, me too, oh yeah, I've pretended that too. Now what if you used this episode just as a permission slip to stop pretending Just about one thing, no matter how big it is, no matter how small it is, and if you're sitting there still thinking okay, steph, this sounds great, but I have no idea.

Speaker 1: 4:02

What I want to do for you is dive in just to six common ways that women pretend and, as I walk through this list, just make a mental note on which one sounds most like you, or there might be more than one. First one is pretending to be happy, masking your true feelings, especially negative ones like sadness, anxiety, anger, putting on your happy face just to avoid feeling vulnerable or to meet other people's expectations. And the second one is pretending to be confident, actually acting more self-assured than you feel on the inside, and this might be especially in professional settings or social settings where confidence is valued a lot, and this is in an attempt to cover up self-doubt or fear of failure. And the third one is pretending everything is fine. This is common in relationships or during challenging times, where someone might hide that they're struggling to avoid burdening other people or to avoid admitting to themselves that things aren't going well. You know, if I don't admit it, I don't have to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 5:22

Number four is pretending to have it all together, pretending that you are managing life's demands perfectly, even when you feel overwhelmed on the inside, and this can come from that external pressure to be high, achieving and to appear successful and to appear like you're not dropping any balls. Number five is pretending to agree to avoid conflict. You might pretend you agree with someone even if you have a different opinion, and this could be particularly common for those of you who fear judgment. And then the sixth one is pretending not to care. Sometimes people act indifferent or detached when they actually care deeply on the inside, and of course, this is in an effort to protect themselves from disappointment or rejection. And as I reviewed each one of those, did you resonate with one or more of them Pretending and I just want to be explicit about this, because sometimes we really don't think about it.

Speaker 1: 6:29

We're just moving through life in our old patterns, doing as we do. But pretending can take a pretty big emotional toll on you and it can result in us feeling not only disconnected from others but also from ourselves. In those six examples I alluded to several different reasons why we pretend, and I have to say I'm guilty of all of them. Why do we do this? Ultimately, it comes down to fear Fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of feeling vulnerable, and it can come from this desire to feel safe. But what if your safety can be cultivated internally? What if you don't need something external to keep you safe?

Speaker 1: 7:26

I know it can feel tempting to avoid feeling things that we don't want to feel. I don't want to feel rejected, I don't want to feel judged, I don't want to feel vulnerable, I get it and that creates a life where we are controlled by that very thing rather than feeling in control of our experience, because we've not expanded our tolerance of those things, we haven't grown to be able to to cope and even to thrive in those environments until doing the inner work and the way to feel in control and to embody that internal safety is to embody the three pillars of BRAVE method Analyze data, activate choice and absolute acceptance. And at this point I think you understand. Yes, there is a cost to pretending, but I really don't want to gloss over it.

Speaker 1: 8:21

When you pretend, that increases your internal stress, anxiety, loneliness and even burnout, and it can also result in explosive reactions down the road. Because you spent so much time pretending that you feel a different way. And if you've heard me share my story, you know that I had reoccurring emotional breakdowns and reoccurring explosive reactions and to a very large extent, this was directly caused by me pretending. What if life doesn't have to be like this? What if life doesn't have to be like this? I don't know if you know this, but pretending also erodes self-worth. Why, when you pretend, what you are doing over and over again is reinforcing, forcing the belief that your true self is not good enough. Sit with that. Can you see how, if you are pretending on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on any reoccurring basis, you are actually choosing negative self-worth? I know that's a bold statement, I know that's not one that you've probably ever thought of, but can you see that if you force yourself to show up differently than how you actually are. You are continually telling yourself, over and over again, that you are not good enough.

Speaker 1: 10:01

And I want to say this part because, before doing this inner work journey, I really felt like I had to pretend that I didn't want people to see how I actually was. I had to pretend that I didn't want people to see how I actually was. There were so many defense mechanisms that had built up over time that I didn't even know who I really was, and it is doing this very work that allowed me to see that the person who I thought I really was all of these like not so shiny parts, the person who lashed out the person who had all this anxiety, that wasn't really me. That was what I had created over time and what I could overcome using these three pillars. Today, I want to say this to you it is okay to stop pretending. I needed to hear that 11 years ago and I want you to use this as your permission slip to pretend even 5% less than you are today, today or sometimes this week.

Speaker 1: 11:05

I encourage you just to slow down, do a journaling exercise and answer this question what do I sometimes pretend? And write everything down that comes to mind without filtering yourself. Then select one thing on that list that you no longer want to pretend and share your true opinion with at least one person. And share your true opinion with at least one person even if it's uncomfortable, and I love when you keep me posted on your next steps. So send me a DM on Instagram or on Facebook and let me know what you are going to stop pretending. All right, that's it for today. I will see you next time. Thank you so much for listening today. Are you ready to finally heal and break free from anxiety, including symptoms like replaying interactions, fearing making mistakes, imagining worst case scenarios and constant worrying? If so, dm me the word free on Instagram at Dr Stephanie Lopez and I will send you a link to my completely free class to officially ditch anxiety.