Broken to Brave | Guiding you to heal & break free from anxiety

Breaking the Caregiver Cycle with Tina Hamilton

• Dr. Stephanie Lopez • Episode 72

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Ever felt like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? In this episode, Tina Hamilton shares her transformative journey from rigid caregiver to self-aware mentor. Discover how confronting childhood wounds can lead to profound personal growth, and learn why allowing yourself to receive love might be the key to unlocking your full potential. Tina's story reminds us that healing isn't just for others – it's a gift we owe ourselves!

In this episode, we talk about the following:
1. Impact of childhood experiences on parenting styles.
2. Challenges of letting go of the caregiver role in relationships.
3. Shifting from doing inner work for others to doing it for oneself.

You can connect with Tina on:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/intuitive.soulutions/
Soul Circle Membership: https://www.intuitive-soulutions.com/soul-circle-trial

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💗 Dr. Steph
@DrStephanieLopez
www.brave-method.com




Speaker 1:

I'm Dr Steph and I want you to know that you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You are not, in fact, broken, and I'm going to show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome back, oh my gosh. I have Tina with me today and I cannot wait to share her with you. I originally met her in a business program two years ago. Does that sound right, tina? I think so. Yeah, okay, yeah, and we've just stayed in touch and I have watched her transform over the last year and I'm fascinated, and I just think that her story is going to be so intriguing and inspiring for you. So, without further ado, tell us a little bit about yourself, hi.

Speaker 2:

Stephanie, thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm so glad you're ready to come on.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, this is really exciting and I always enjoy sharing my story because I often feel like I'm like a mess and I'm all over the place and a lot of people in my life see me as like having it all together and I'm like but if you just pull back the curtain, See, this is what I love about you.

Speaker 1:

I'm just going to already interject the transparency, like I love it so, so much, because most people just wouldn't say that they would pretend. But what good does that do us Just?

Speaker 2:

share it does nobody.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, nobody good Everybody listening is like oh, how relatable.

Speaker 2:

Right, yes, exactly, so I am an intuitive mentor for women. Yes, I started as a parent coach and I've transitioned. There's a whole big story about it. I was in education, then parent coaching, because that seemed like the next logical step, and then I realized that parent coaching was or parenting for me was my way into my healing, and it is often a way into healing for many women. When we have children who act like us and look like us, they throw up all the triggers, and so for me, that was like my entry into the healing world, and so it made sense for me to work with parents on their own healing journeys. But what I found is that once you get into the healing work, that it's so much more than who you are as a mom and it's who you are as a woman, and we are so much more than just moms, and so I have expanded my trainings and my offerings to really support women in all of their life and all of their areas that they need help with.

Speaker 1:

I love that so much and I couldn't agree more that most of the time, women enter their healing journey when they become a parent because all kinds of stuff that they never realized before comes up. I have a weird story where that was not the case for me. I am grateful to have started before because, man, I needed it so bad. So the universe is like we're not going to wait until you're a mom. You better get started like 10 years before, not really, but anyways. Ok, let's keep going on your your story. I'd love to hear more about what life was like before you started personal development, inner work, like tell us more about what you were doing then and how you viewed yourself, how you viewed the world. How much time do we have?

Speaker 2:

So I was. I'm the oldest daughter, yeah, actually the oldest child, oldest daughter. My parents divorced when I was seven or eight years old and I have two oldest daughter Actually the oldest child, oldest daughter my parents divorced when I was seven or eight years old and I have two younger brothers who are three and a half years and seven years younger than me, and so when my parents divorced, I became the second parent in the house. I'm just saying that like we're going to jump ahead many years, but I'm just saying that because that is the common thread through all of my story. Okay, I stepped into that caregiver role and never stepped out of it, and the transformation that you have been witnessing over the last year is me stepping out of that caregiver role and turning over the responsibility to everybody else. But we'll get to that in a minute. I love it.

Speaker 2:

Where I was before. My first career was as a teacher. I was in education for 17 years, I think, in the classroom, and I was a really good teacher. I ran my classroom. I was also in the military, as an interrogator in the military, like there's like I don't know.

Speaker 2:

I have many life styles military as an interrogator in the military, like there's like I don't know. I have many life stuff in 41 years. It's really confusing. But I ran my classroom in a strict way but like with boundaries, where the kids just love me, like I was the classroom where the kids would come and hang out in my room and share what's going on outside of the classroom, because I was the teacher who was about the full student. I didn't really care if they understood the math that I was teaching. It was. You know, how are you feeling today as a person? Are you able to learn? Because we can't learn if we don't feel safe.

Speaker 1:

And so that was always my top priority.

Speaker 2:

They didn't do their homework. I wasn't coming down on them for not doing their homework. I was wondering what's going on at home that you are consistently not doing your homework. So that was my career as a teacher prior to becoming a mom. It was really easy for me. In the classroom relating to these other kids, I feel that I was the teacher or the adult that I wish that I had growing up.

Speaker 2:

Like that was my motivation for going into teaching. And then I had my daughter and I assumed that it was going to be easy because I got this. I know child development. I know how to relate to kids and toddlerhood. Let me tell you, I was shocked. I was shocked. Yeah. I grew up in a home where children were seen and not heard. You didn't show your emotion. If you had emotion, you were sent to your room. You did exactly what you were told, when you were told to do it and how you were told to do it. There was no talking back. And when I had my daughter and I was now a a single mom and she was two and a half years old I was teaching in the classroom and I had my tutoring business, and so I was working about 14 hour days, and so there was no time for her toddler antics.

Speaker 1:

Shenanigans? No, none of it.

Speaker 2:

And it was. I mean, she was a kid who she knew how to clean up after herself. She would put her dirty clothes in the laundry, she would help me unload the dishwasher. At three years old, she had all of these responsibilities and most parents would be like, oh my goodness, your child is just so put together and so helpful and all of these things. And of course I was like, yes, check, check, check. I am mom of the year over here Killing it.

Speaker 1:

Yes, but it was killing her. Plot twist comes yes exactly.

Speaker 2:

And one morning she was being a kid and I was being a drill sergeant and really laid into her for not following instructions and she looked at me like I was a monster and she ran away from me. And I remember standing outside of her bedroom door like really angry, like fiery, like I could burst into this room and throw this child over my shoulder and walk out of the house. But there was something in me that was just saying like just listen, just listen to her. And I went in and she had tears streaming down her face and she patted the bed next to her and she said mama, have a sit.

Speaker 2:

She's three years old and I sat down next to her and she said I know, like when you yell like that you hurt my feelings and in that moment like I just I remember staring at her and like thinking, if I ever spoke to my mother like this, I wouldn't have lived to see the next day. And I remember looking at her face and thinking like, but how could any adult look at a child who is expressing how they feel and shut that down? And so I just pulled her into my lap and I apologized and I told her that I would do better. And that afternoon I found myself a therapist and, like it was. That was the start of my journey. And there are days when I'm like man. Why did I start that journey? Because this is never ending but then.

Speaker 2:

I look at my relationship with my daughter. She's going to be 12 next month and I look at my relationship with her and she still curls up in my lap at night and lets me like play with her hair while we're watching the Voice, or you know she'll. When she's at her dad's house she calls me and just wants to like be on her iPad with me, in the room with her while she's reading her book or doing something like we are so deeply connected and that wouldn't have happened if I didn't start my journey.

Speaker 1:

No, no, that that made me teary eyed and I just love that. She at least felt safe enough to say that to you and to give you that wake up call, and you acted on it immediately. There's a lot of people that wouldn't have.

Speaker 1:

they would have felt guilt you know and remorse and then just went about their day. But you're like, no, no, something has to change and I I think that shows so much of your character. Thank you, yeah. Yeah. Anything else kind of the before you walked us into the peak, yeah, I would say the before, very rigid, very unattached from my emotions.

Speaker 2:

My husband tells me that there are moments in my life now when I could switch back to that. It's like a flip of a switch where I can become very cold and almost like robot-like, where I just like move through the motions and shove it down. It's not important. Emotions are not meant to be felt Like there is. There is one emotion that's okay, and it's anger. And the anger is my is usually my go-to if I am triggered Like that's that's where I go, because that's what I know, that's what's familiar.

Speaker 1:

Yep, Yep, I love wait. There was something that you said that stood out. Oh yes, you talked about how you can go back there in a flip of a switch because so many people think like, oh well, I'll just do inner work and then I'll be perfect. No, it doesn't work like that. Wouldn't that be nice? It would be. But yeah, now the goal is okay. How quickly can I bring myself back to where I want to be, to the new me, and how much can I reduce how often that happens and how much am I going to repair hopefully, 100% of the time when I do that, versus so many individuals who haven't done the inner work, the repair piece is missing and yeah, I mean there's a lot missing, but we'll just leave it at that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yes, no, I definitely agree. I wish. I mean the number of times that I am like mid-snap and I am losing my head and there's that little voice. You're doing it again and I'm like how am I here, how is this happening again? And like I'll just, I like we'll stop yelling and like take a deep breath and just walk out of the room. And you know what my usually it happens in like an argument or a discussion, what was a discussion with my husband, and then it, you know, will boil over and he just knows, like when I walk out, that I'll come back. I just you just need to go outside and ground or calm myself down, and then I come back and and I repair and it and, like you said, it happens so much less is. Is that a proper sentence? Um?

Speaker 2:

then it used to um, because of the the work that I've done. But when it happens, it can really blindside me because I'm like, how did I end up here again, yeah. But then I sit with that and look at like all of the events that led up to that moment and it's like, oh right, Yep, you were turning off a little bit here and turning off a little bit here and you didn't speak up here. And when you're not actively and consciously paying attention to how you're moving through your life, it's like a cup of water and it just keeps filling and filling and filling until it spills over.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and you could be really frustrated with yourself. You could meet that with frustration, disappointment, all those things, or you could and I think you do. This is more for the listeners. Look at that with gratitude. Thank you, universe, for showing me where I'm at and where I need to do a bit more work. That's something that really clicked at a new level for me this year, honestly, because everybody talks about gratitude oh yeah, you know. And then, like gratitude journal, I'm grateful for the house I live in, for my you know, whatever, whatever, I don't know. However, when we can find genuine gratitude for the moments like that, where we didn't show up the way that we wanted to be or, you know, we slipped in a way that we haven't in a while, rather than beating ourselves up, that just makes such a difference.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no, it really does. I mean because in any situation that you go through, you can find something to beat yourself up about.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

And that's not to say that, like I don't say, oh, I shouldn't have done this or I wish I would have done that, but, like you said, using it as a guide to say, oh well, this is, this is where I'm still attached to this way of being, or this is where there's still some healing done, needing to be done.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it makes all the difference, and so I hope, everybody listening, that you really hone in on that and consider for yourself what if I took on that mindset, rather than beating myself up being a jerk to myself. I actually looked at it with gratitude for showing me how far I've come and where else I need to improve. So, tina, tell me where you are now and anything about your healing journey that you think you want others to know or that stands out to you.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay. So where I am now in terms of my healing and the focus that I'm working on right now, it is allowing love in. That is something that I have a really hard time with, that, even believing that love outside of the love for my children is real Right. I'm married. I absolutely adore my husband. He's my best friend, yeah, and I would. I obviously I love him, but I'm really starting to understand what that love means and what that looks like, mainly in allowing him to support me, allowing him to do things around the house, him to do things around the house. We all, you know, I'm sure every, every wife or or the female identifying partner in a relationship, would identify with this feeling of like. I just wish you would help, but no, not like that.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, yes. Can I do a side tangent really quick? When I had my first baby, we had a baby shower. They gave the like cards with advice for the new mom, and the best piece of advice in hindsight that I got was someone that wrote let your husband if he puts the diaper on backwards, that's great.

Speaker 1:

If he puts the diaper on her head, that's great. Let him help, and I needed that advice. I don't know if she just gives that to everyone or she knew that I needed that, I mean, but I can relate to what you're saying so much.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it is. So that's kind of where I am in my journey and it is an interesting. It's the number of times that now I will. He'll come into the kitchen and like start cleaning up from dinner and I'll say, no, no, I got it, I got it. And he'll just like look at me and I'm like okay, fine, you can help. Like I just have to like okay.

Speaker 1:

You have that agreement. He knows that you're going to tell him no and he's just like. I'll pause and wait for you to realize what you just did.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and you know, going back to the caregiver thread, I very much took over the caregiver role in our relationship. He had a lot of health issues at the beginning in our relationship. He had a lot of health issues at the beginning of our relationship and so it was really easy for me to jump in and be the one to make the doctor's appointments and worry about the schedule and take care of the insurance paperwork. And now we're starting to. He's now healthier and doing his, getting his self together, and so he's taking back that responsibility. And there are times when I'm like, but okay, yep, it's, you know, it's really, it is really really hard, but what I've discovered is that it comes down to how I'm willing to receive love and support, which is all a wound from childhood, absolutely, and so that's the work that I'm needing right now. My healing journey up to this point has been, as most healing journeys like I expected it to be linear you know like we're just going up and up and up and it is not.

Speaker 2:

There's that like little meme, that like you expect it to be a linear path, and then there's, like that big knot in the center of it is not, there's that little meme that you expect it to be a linear path, and then there's that big knot in the center of it. Yes, it is. Nothing could be more true.

Speaker 1:

I couldn't agree more. I was just looking at that like two days, like, oh my gosh, this is just yeah, right on Yep.

Speaker 2:

And every time you think that you have mastered something, universe is like oh, but have you thought about it like this? And then it will come in from a different perspective, completely different scenario, but the same emotion, the same wound, the same healing that needs to be done, but from a different perspective, because it's all that spiral and I really hate that. I really hate to say that because it's like everybody says it and it's, but it's so true, it's so true.

Speaker 1:

It is, it is, and it's moments like that just to reiterate the point that I was making before that when I have and I don't always, but when I have switched to gratitude in those moments that has helped ease everything so much. Thank you for helping me realize that there's more work to do here, that I haven't mastered this to the extent that I thought I did. Thank you for showing me what else I need to work on and for showing me how I have improved. That's made a world of difference for me, my goodness, yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

I agree and I would say that the biggest aspect of my healing journey has been my journaling and my meditation.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

And I was a certified yoga instructor almost a decade ago, and so I'm not new to meditation, but I've always been the person in meditation that's like looking around the room through one eye, like are people actually doing this? Like this, this is working for people. Yeah, I was never a meditator, couldn't sit, still, didn't understand it, and almost a year ago something switched I sat in a meditation. That was a completely different experience. That wasn't about trying to silence my mind, because that's what I was struggling with. I couldn't turn off my mind, and instead I was fully immersed in this experience where they were encouraging me to visualize and to think about certain things, and that completely shifted my relationship with meditation. And I'm happy to say that I am. November 7th will be a year. Every day I have meditated, and it is incredible.

Speaker 1:

The commitment that that takes incredible.

Speaker 2:

It's something that I never thought that I would say and never thought that there could be such a profound impact that it has had, because what it's done for me is help. It's not helped me quiet my mind my mind still goes a million miles a minute but it's helped me to identify my true, authentic voice and separate it from my anxiety. And when you're able to do that, then you can hear that inner wisdom that you're carrying within. We all have it. It's just a matter of whether or not we can hear it, if we can drown out the noise of everybody else, because everybody has their opinions. Everybody's going to tell you what to do, but it's tuning them out and listening to yourself, and I've been able to get there with meditation, with a combination of meditation and journaling.

Speaker 1:

I love that so much I can relate to you on it being much easier in like a guided experience or an imagery. I tend to call it an imagery just to clarify the difference versus trying to quiet the mind and sitting in silence or saying, oh you know, like it does not work well for me. Yet, I'll add yet, because you never know, but I much prefer what you're referring to and I just love that you've done it for basically a year straight.

Speaker 2:

Incredible. Yeah, I mean, there are some days where I get to the end of the day and I'm climbing into bed and I'm like, oh, my goodness, I didn't get to meditate today, and I'll like pop up onto the floor and I sit on the floor and I meditate and my husband will come in and he's like I thought you went to bed a half an hour ago. I'm like, no, I had to do my meditation.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so committed, amazing. Is there anything else about your inner work journey that you want to share that you think others may relate to or feel inspired by?

Speaker 2:

So I started this journey for my daughter. She was the reason like, just looking at her and reflecting on my relationship with my mother, I was the teenager who would say I will never be like her and be referring to my mom would say I will never be like her and be referring to my mom, and when my daughter said that to me years ago, that was where my mind went was oh my goodness, I am turning into her and I don't want that relationship with my daughter.

Speaker 2:

I don't want the tense relationship that I have with my mom to be with my daughter, and so my journey started because of her, and at some point, somewhere along the line, it shifted to oh, but I deserve this too. Yes, this is for me. Yes, I can do it for my kids. I now have two kids. I can do it for my kids so that I can show up and give them the life that they deserve to have. But also I deserve this. I deserve to live free from the burdens of my mom's shadows, because that's what I was handed was her shadows.

Speaker 2:

And so it has become for myself, and there are times when I used to feel that was really selfish, because, as the person who was always the caregiver, you give and give and give. You put others before yourself, and I realize now that you can't give and give and give without giving to yourself.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, yeah, yeah, 100%. I'm so glad that you made that shift. I find that a lot of people in this community have a similar perspective about what's selfish and what's not. I find that a lot of people in this community have a similar perspective about what's selfish and what's not, part of that being messaging from perhaps their mom or society authority figures who did not do inner work and so caring for yourself is selfish and no, it's not. I can't and you can't. Everyone can't show up in the way that we need to for others if we are not giving to ourselves. That just often ends up with resentment, anger, rage that just is boiling waiting to come out. Yeah, yes, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that is so true.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so what advice do you have for high achieving women who maybe ask herself sometimes like why am I like this? And maybe she has moments where she feels broken.

Speaker 2:

You're not broken. You are whole and beautiful exactly as you are, and the way that I view it is that there are merely pieces of yourself that are hidden underneath the programming. Yes, and this work, this inner work, is not about making yourself whole. It is about cleaning up the muck so that you can rediscover yourself.

Speaker 1:

Beautiful. Yes, all right, thank you so much. If listeners want to connect with you or reach out to you, what's the best way for them to find you?

Speaker 2:

So you can find me on Instagram. It's at intuitive um period soul, the word soul S O U L solutions, u solutions, u-t-i-o-n-s.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I'll link that in the show notes so everybody, you can just click it.

Speaker 2:

And then my website. It's at intuitive-solutionscom and there is an intro offer to my meditation membership for a free week if you are interested in coming to sit in meditation with me.

Speaker 1:

Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. I appreciate you coming on today. Yes, Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 2:

This is fun.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for listening today. Are you ready to finally heal and break free from anxiety, including symptoms like replaying interactions, fearing, making mistakes, imagining worst case scenarios and constant worrying? If so, DM me the word free on Instagram at Dr Stephanie Lopez and I will send you a link to my completely free class to officially ditch anxiety.

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