Broken to Brave | Guiding you to heal & break free from anxiety

From Defense Mechanisms to Self-Discovery with Brenda

• Dr. Stephanie Lopez • Episode 70

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What if you could transform a life of uncertainty and unhealthy relationships into one filled with joy, freedom, and self-compassion? Join me as I sit down with the remarkable Brenda, who courageously shares her journey from a challenging childhood to becoming a beacon of self-discovery and liberation.

Brenda's story begins with the defense mechanisms she built to cope with her past and the turning points that led to her commitment to personal healing. Through integrating spiritual, leadership, and entrepreneurial growth, she has unlocked a life where connecting, playing, and exploring are now second nature.

In this episode, we talk about the following:
1. Childhood trauma and its impact on adult behavior.
2. Improving relationships and work environments.
3. Overcoming fear of self-discovery.

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Speaker 1:

I'm Dr Steph and I want you to know that you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You are not, in fact, broken, and I'm going to show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. All right, welcome back. Oh my gosh, thank you for tuning in for another week. I have somebody very special here with me today. Her name is Brenda and I have known her for a few years I'm trying to remember what year we met and I've just watched her make so many changes and I feel super, super proud of her, so I just wanted to share her with you today. She's brilliant.

Speaker 2:

The way that her mind works fascinates me. You'll see shortly when we get to talking. But, brenda, do you want to go ahead and introduce yourself? And so my name is Brenda. I am a mother, I am a scientist, I guess I am a musician, yes, an athlete, all kinds of things Like we all are, so many facets to our life.

Speaker 1:

And so I'm really pleased to be here. It's been quite the journey, thank you, it really has All right. I would love for you just to share with us what life was like before you started doing personal development, inner work. What did it look like? How did you show up? What did you struggle with All of that?

Speaker 2:

I think many people that may wind up in your programs. Uh, I did have a difficult relationship with my mother, um, and so my childhood was one of of a lot of uncertainty, a lot of um negation, um, a lot of volatility, and so I learned defense mechanisms that put me deep in the darkness of being completely unaware of how I showed up. So I was reactive and confused and I dove into work and the need to be successful at everything. At some sort of crazy validation level. I attracted people that weren't healthy for me, and so my relationships continued to reinforce what I experienced at home. So my life, until really about 2019, looked a lot like that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. And when you mentioned work, you were just grinding and work and on the path to like, okay, what can I accomplish? Essentially right, correct.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I am a PhD scientist, an entrepreneur and would regularly work 48-hour stretches, to the point that, because that is so common, to numb or to avoid at all through work.

Speaker 1:

And then you didn't mention this part, but maybe this was part of the drive too. If I get these accomplishments, I feel worthy and I feel good enough.

Speaker 2:

Correct. There was elements of that, and the other truly sad part for me was I was not able to connect and I felt like a spectator in my own life and so in my personal relationships, you know as much as I adore my children, I felt like I you know it was my job to give to them and not receive from them, and so I really do feel like I missed a large portion of connection in my life.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, was there a moment for you you mentioned 2019, but where everything shifted or started to shift?

Speaker 2:

The first pivotal moment where I looked at myself was 2016. My marriage was ending and it was a string of relationships that didn't work and had a theme, and I'm like, hmm, what could be the problem here Must be me.

Speaker 1:

Is there a common denominator here?

Speaker 2:

And I really, I really began, and at that point I said that's it, I'm going to heal, I'm going to learn about myself. I did dive into work. There was a lot to do, but I but I stopped interacting socially and certainly having any romantic interest. And then it was 2019. I went on a cruise with my daughters and work had been just torturous. I was at the brink of probably all kinds of illnesses and I told myself, if my life doesn't change in the next year, I've got to sell the business and be done with this, because this is going to kill me. And so that was the real I'm changing things. And I did start working formally with you, I think in 2020.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I think so that sounds right. Wow, there's some parts of your story that I didn't know Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't know about, like the that moment in 2019 and how you were feeling right then and kind of this probably isn't the right word, but like that ultimatum that you set for yourself, like, okay, we've got to make changes, or else this is what needs to happen, all right, so where tell me about that? Your inner work journey, what you noticed about yourself in the midst of working together, other things that you did that helped, and where you are now.

Speaker 2:

Um, so what I do notice is that a person, a life is, is integrated there and and all the parts touch and, and it works best when they all are the same, when you show up as the same person in every facet.

Speaker 2:

And so I thought it was amazing because I started doing spiritual work and I started doing a leadership, entrepreneurial work, and the right kind in the right place, and it was convergence with the work I was doing with you. Yeah, and so much of it really did center around this whole inter-knowing, inter-knowing, you know, inter-knowing, self-discovery, awareness and the liberation that comes with that and, at every level, how that peeled off and revealed itself. And I thought it was miraculous. And there were times when I felt like I was fooling myself and I was making no progress, but at the end of the day, right now, my life is filled with joy, filled with freedom. I have the ability and the desire to play, you know, and get out there and discovery and and travel and do things, and I've given myself compassion and, and it's just, and I've given myself compassion and it's a wonderful place to be. I still have a ways to go, because that's life, it's a journey.

Speaker 1:

Everyone does.

Speaker 2:

It's a journey, yeah, yeah, but so much different and the people that are in my life right now are beautiful souls. I guess there's truth to the energy that you put out and what you attract, because I recently had a 60th birthday party and I looked around at every single person that was was in that house and it was so heartwarming and in such a contrast to the toxicity that I surrounded myself with previously.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yes, yes, yes. I want to talk more about play, because I mean contrasting with the old version of you that would work 48, 72 hours straight and just was grinding to now I see you just allowing yourself to pick up guitar and have fun, and how has that been Like as you reflect on who you were most of your life?

Speaker 2:

The early messages were I had to be productive. I have, you know, so many things I want to do and I had to earn any free time. And rarely did I grant that to myself. And because we all need free time, I would wind up stealing moments, maybe even at inopportune times, but it never felt. I never felt, I never gave myself permission to fully engage, and so I would do things to blow off steam but never really enjoy myself. Things to blow off steam but never really enjoy myself. And in this, these past few years, I certainly have tipped the scales in terms of going to concerts, traveling, making friends, making time for friends, being very aware that it's time to stop working and let's go home and do something I enjoy, and what I find is certainly all the things that got done. Maybe they don't get done as quickly, but it is one life, it is my life and I am enjoying it and it's fulfilling and I'm enjoying my work more and I think I produce a better product.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, able to show up for people in ways that I, that I absolutely wasn't before, which is also, you know, very fulfilling and joyful. Say more about that. So I can remember when I was self-critical and I was much more critical of others. And, you know, having a company and having employees, I might my thoughts, whether or not I express them, but knowing what I know about openness and awareness, I'm sure that those things leaked out. But I felt frustrated, you know, disappointed and stressed about how everybody needed to perform, and and you know, I'm sure that that that bled through into my parenting as well, and at this know, I'm sure that that that bled through into my parenting as well.

Speaker 2:

And at this point, I'm certain that everybody is doing the best they can with what they have in any moment, including myself, and that's the big one, including myself and my ability to see others points of view, to be compassionate, try to understand their story. If something isn't working, it is not because that person is deficient, it's perhaps they're doing the wrong task or in the wrong place. And so it feels so much nicer, in the energy I get back from people, to be uplifting and to feel uplifting, you know. And so that's, that's really just. It makes the world a much more beautiful experience.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, 100%. I love how it's trickled into everywhere in your life, like personal and work, and that's so common. I remember a moment when you you said something along the lines of like I don't, I don't want to open Pandora's box, or I don't want to look in it, or I don't, I don't, I don't know stuff, and that is so common. Do you remember at that time what you were afraid of and what would? What advice would this version of you today give? That version of you that's?

Speaker 2:

a complicated question. I do recall that moment exactly and I believe that it was at a workshop. And as I look back on my life, I believe that, although I might have wished that I would have come to a deeper self-awareness earlier, I think that my journey was exactly right for me and I was where I needed to be at any moment. There were certain factors in that moment when I was at your workshop, that I think my self was protecting myself. We want to dive in and learn about that. I think what I would have told myself in that moment was to trust my intuition about the factors that were making me afraid to look inside. That's my biggest lesson about that was I did not. I lost confidence in my intuition.

Speaker 1:

Intuition. That is a good lesson. That's not what I would have expected you to say, so I'm glad I asked you. So often women, men, probably men too they don't listen to that intuition, and I actually have an episode coming out the week after this one where we're going to. I'm going to share just a few tips to help people distinguish. Okay, what's intuition versus fear or an intrusive thought, because it's so easy to feel confused about the two. So I was trying to think where did I think you were going to go? I that you were going to find something that was so awful about you that you just didn't want to know. I think that's the fear people have. Does that feel true for you?

Speaker 2:

It does, and in that moment it wouldn't be good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. And now, safe to say you don't feel that way, probably about 90 percent. So 90 percent, ok, so we made a lot of progress, yeah.

Speaker 2:

A lot of progress.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So we made a lot of progress. Yeah, a lot of progress, yeah, yeah. I have a moment that popped up in my head when I heard you say that I went for an interview at NASA and I was super nervous and I was waiting outside the door because the person before me was having their interview and there were a couple employees who would later be on my team or the same team as I. But there I told them that I was nervous and they said, oh, just be yourself.

Speaker 1:

And at the time, before doing my inner work journey, that was the worst advice, because I thought I had to pretend. I thought that myself was like all like be yourself, that was like all the bad things that I didn't want people to see and that I had to control that and not show that. And I just so, so badly want people to know that that is not the case. Like all those not so shiny parts, that's not you, it's just protection. It's just like the defensiveness that came from everything that you've been through, and when you open Pandora's box, it makes life so much easier.

Speaker 2:

A hundred percent, and those ways I created a persona for myself. I curated what the world would see, and that was exhausting. And so what that did was it completely unmoored me from my own inner guidance system. I was constantly looking for how to be right, you know to to fit in, not to belong, and it was terribly, it was the opposite of being grounded. And so, as I've become more self accepting and more self aware, um, what has changed? There is I show up as myself, sometimes with trepidation, like how are they going to save me? But it's better to be that way, and if it's not my right, you know, tribe, then then it will just present nothing wrong with anybody. And so that kind of self-acceptance is very simplifying in terms of openness, in terms of letting yourself be seen.

Speaker 2:

And I think that that is honestly the greatest gift that two people can give to each other is to be seen and to want to see another person, and that's where real connection comes from. And so once I didn't have to curate everything that I said wrote, looked like that just liberated me and freed up energy for creativity, for play, for connection, for joy. That was the thing. There was not much joy before.

Speaker 2:

And so much now, so much now. And gratitude, not much joy before and so much now, so much now. And gratitude so much. And it's not it's, you know, certainly learning a gratitude practice, and particularly when I was, you know, pretty deeply buried under, was sustaining, and I was, you know, grateful for that practice, but now it's just an overwhelming sort of wellspring of gratitude. You know, when I look at the particular, the people that are my life, the people that are my company, the way that people interact, the connections I have with you know, people like you and many people in my life, it's just, it's light, it's love and that's, I think, what you were saying. We're not icky on the inside, we're light and we're love.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, hearing that from you feels so good. I just love seeing all the changes that you've made. Is there anything else that you want to share about your journey?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think one thing that was interesting to me, and this is it has to do with blind spots. Yeah, and you know, in certain situations I viewed myself. I said it's impossible for me to ever be a victim, right, and so there was no possibility and it wasn't going to happen, and I was going to do everything to to never let that happen to me. And what wound up happening was I created a blind spot where at least one person was treating me in a way that was very unacceptable.

Speaker 2:

But I was like I can handle this. I'm not the victim. And so I think, being open to possibilities and in touch with reality and, of course, we make our own reality, but being more objective about what we take in, being more self-aware and more willing to experience what is actually happening, it helps us.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Speaking of self-awareness, usually when I talk to people and I mention how important self-awareness is, their first response is oh, I'm self-aware. And there is a study that I wish I could remember who did it? Tasha Urich, I think. I wish I could remember who did it. Tasha Urich, I think 95% of people think that they're self-aware. 5% are Some crazy stat like that, and I think people you know, they witness themselves and they think that's self-awareness.

Speaker 1:

But self-awareness is all the things that we typically hide from ourselves the instance and what you come back with. It's like holy smokes. Your brain just allows you to dig so deeply, which I find fascinating, because, as a scientist, I would think that the analytical part of your mind might block you, but you've created a deal with it where you allow yourself to go deeper. And not everybody is like that. Some people won't allow themselves to go there and see what's underneath, and I know that that has been a key part of your growth and your journey is that you have allowed yourself to do it and I don't know. My thought is to anyone who stops themselves like what? If there's nothing to hide from yourself, you don't, you know, like there's. Just like you said, and I said a minute ago like you're, you're going to find light in love. Love, that's it, and anything else is defensiveness, protection, old messaging old messaging.

Speaker 2:

Yeah well, thank you. Um, it's interesting because one of my current struggles is still between, um, mind and heart, right analytical control and belief that that my heart knows, uh, and, and that that's. That's sort of lifelong. But being a scientist, I think, was also helpful, having a sense of exploration. Okay, let's make this as objective as possible.

Speaker 2:

How can we peel this back? And there's some things I have allowed myself and as the layers peel back and a lot of the tools and the exercises we have done, they reveal things. And then there are connections. So I also firmly believe now a fundamental philosophy has changed from self-discipline and sort of running from things to running towards things and allowing myself to make connections based on activating pleasure centers in my brain. You know this feels good. I'm going to keep doing this and I think you know I believe that people do best in that situation. It was not something I was raised with, it's new and so as I uncover these things and I discover new things about myself or bring them to the group and there's rewards there, it sort of accelerates that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yes, absolutely Okay. One last question If there was someone listening to the podcast, she's a high achieving woman like you and she's asking herself like why am I like this? And maybe she has moments where she feels broken. What advice would you give her?

Speaker 2:

I would first of all say we are not broken. Sometimes we're burdened. We come from situations that perhaps overlay some gunk on top of our light. It's hard. Sometimes you take a step forward, a step backward, but keep going and, if possible, have confidence that the end is joy and liberation, even when it feels like you're not going anywhere. It's for real, it's really, really real, yeah it's coming.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much. I appreciate you coming on today and I'm so grateful to know you uh likewise, I appreciate the opportunity um you're, you're, you're magic, you really are.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, you have. You have a great mind and a great approach and appreciate all the things you've done.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much, Brenda. Thank you so much for listening today. Are you ready to finally heal and break free from anxiety, including symptoms like replaying interactions, fearing, making mistakes, imagining worst case scenarios and constant worrying? If so, DM me the word free on Instagram at Dr Stephanie Lopez and I will send you a link to my completely free class to officially ditch anxiety.

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