Overcoming Resentment and Anger

When family ties leave knots in our stomachs rather than bonds in our hearts, the journey to healing can seem daunting. Reflecting on my own encounters with toxic relationships within my family, I invite you to join me in a conversation that delves deep into the roots of resentment and the struggle for acceptance. Throughout the episode, my introspection on overcoming fear sheds light on the power of vulnerability—not just as a tool for personal liberation but also as an essential thread in the fabric of human connection.

Understanding the seductive hold of negative feelings is crucial. I explore the hidden emotional payoffs of resentment and anger, how they can masquerade as comforting allies, and the challenging questions we must ask ourselves to reveal their true nature. Then, with a guiding hand, I share three transformative steps towards releasing the shackles of past hurts.

In this episode, I cover the following:
1. The importance of recognizing and removing judgmental language.
2. Identifying the underlying emotions behind resentment and anger.
3. Shifting focus from others' behavior to one's own feelings and responses.

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💗 Dr. Steph
@DrStephanieLopez
www.brave-method.com

Chapters

• 0:04 Healing From Toxic Family Relationships
• 8:38 Exploring Hidden Emotional Rewards
• 13:26 Empowerment Through Release and Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hi, I'm Dr Steph and I'm here to guide you on your journey to healing from a difficult relationship with your mother, whether she was narcissistic, emotionally immature or just plain toxic. I want you to know that you are, in fact, not broken and you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You can break the cycle. You are a strong, capable woman who can handle any challenge that comes your way, and I'm gonna show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome back to the Broken to Brave podcast. I am really looking forward to today's episode because I'm going to answer a question that I received about not being treated well by family. But before I dive into that, I want to share that at the time of this recording, it is just two days away from the podcast being a year old and I'm super excited about that. Happy birthday to the podcast.

Speaker 1: 1:19

And before starting the podcast, I had a few people say to me you should do a podcast, you should do a podcast, and it felt right. I was thinking every time I heard them say that, yeah, I want to do a podcast and at the same time, I had some hesitations around committing because I wasn't sure, to be completely honest, how challenging it would be to create content. Sure, to be completely honest, how challenging it would be to create content consistently on a weekly basis. It felt like a lot in my head on top of everything else. Obviously, if I was just doing the podcast, that'd be pretty easy, but it's so much more and it's been great overall and such a good reminder that what do our minds do? They make things seem like a bigger deal than they actually are in reality most of the time. That's almost always true, and that brings up a question in my mind for you, where in your life are you listening to fear and not doing something that you really want to do? That, you know, is part of what you're here to do and that feels exciting. I want you to know that fear is the door through which we need to walk in order to get everything that we want, because you know everything and maybe you don't know this, so maybe this will be a good point for you Everything that you want is on the opposite side of what you are avoiding, so sit with that. What am I avoiding? Every single day, every single week. There's something there. Everything you want is on the opposite side of what you're avoiding. Okay, let's go ahead and dive in.

Speaker 1: 3:07

The question that I received is my sister-in-law is pregnant and she's milking it because she feels nauseous and sick. Everyone is catering to her. My parents are going above and beyond just catering to her every whim. I had a high risk pregnancy and I didn't get so much as a call. I feel resentful and angry. I said something to my dad and he said I was right and to let it go. And I don't want to feel resentful and angry, but I still do. All right. First, I'm really sorry that you had a rough pregnancy. Pregnancy can be tough on the body and I'm assuming that, if you were high risk, that there were also many emotional worries that you were dealing with on top of all of the physical changes, on top of all of the hormonal changes. And there's a lot that I could focus on to guide you through this question. A lot here, guide you through this question. A lot here.

Speaker 1: 4:08

I'm going to just focus on one to two parts for this episode. I want to say one thing about the last piece that you said about feeling resentful and angry. But before I do that, I just want to point out the judgment that you used so that you can remove it. Our minds judge automatically, so a lot of people are not even aware of how often they're using judgment in their language. But here's the thing your mind is listening and reinforcing as you speak, and so it's really important to notice where you're using judgment and remove it. Instead, just state the facts, which, in this situation, obviously I'm not there, so I don't exactly know, but the facts might be she doesn't feel well, she feels nauseous and she's asking for help period. And my parents are giving her help period versus she's milking it. They're at her every whim. Do you see the difference between that? So the judgment that I see here is she's milking it. That's the main things. That stands out and where my mind goes when I read she's milking it is.

Speaker 1: 5:18

It is likely that you are judging someone else for allowing themselves to be supported and helped, and if you are judging someone else for that, you're probably judging yourself when and if you did the same, or maybe you won't even let yourself do the same. We judge others where we are susceptible to shame, shame. So what I want you to do is notice where you're judging others, because it is a very clear indication of where you have an opportunity to accept yourself more and to be kinder to yourself. Because I just want you to pause, think about this. Is there anything wrong with asking for help? With asking for help? No. Humans are on this planet together to support each other, to help each other, to love each other, not to prove that they can do it all alone, not to prove that they can do everything independently, although this ends up being the way that many people show up. That's not what we're here. We would be here alone if we didn't need help. That's part of the reason why this planet works so well is because everyone has different struggles and everyone has different strengths, so that we can help each other. Now, if it feels vulnerable for you to ask for help, there's something there and I get it, because I, too, had to do healing around asking for help and around allowing myself to be helped and supported, so I truly do understand. Now, that's part of what I want to focus on. The rest of the episode, I want to focus on a different piece, and that is I don't want to feel resentful and angry, but I still do.

Speaker 1: 7:08

During your high-risk pregnancy, I have a question Did you ask for help from your family or did you expect them to anticipate your needs? Many times people including the old version of me and every now and then I catch myself still falling into this pattern and I just get back on the bandwagon readjust. Many times, people anticipate others to, or want others to, anticipate their needs, and what I'm suggesting is, if we're coming from a healed place, we're going to ask when we need to be supported, rather than just thinking that they should anticipate my needs. Now, I could be wrong here, but my gut says that you didn't ask, or that you were not direct about asking, and that part of the anger that you feel is actually frustration toward yourself for not allowing yourself to be supported in the way that you are seeing her be supported. How does that land? That part of you is actually frustrated toward yourself because you didn't allow yourself to be supported. Now, again, I could be wrong. This may not have been what happened, but this is. You know, I don't have all the information here, so I am looking at what tends to happen with people and share my stance based on that, and then sometimes I get a gut feeling, so I'll share that as well.

Speaker 1: 8:38

The mind doesn't like to feel frustration toward ourselves, and often now it's really not always, but it's often it displaces that feeling toward others, so that it seems and it feels when there's a lack of self-awareness that we are actually mad at them, but in reality we're mad at ourselves. Let's go a bit deeper here. If your goal is to feel at peace and to feel calm, regardless of what others decide to do or choose to do or how they behave, then we have to focus on you, because we have control over you and your experience, not anyone else's behavior. Obviously, we can ask them to behave differently and have that conversation, and that's a part that I love coaching my clients around Today. Let's focus on you.

Speaker 1: 9:32

If your focus is on others, is on changing everyone else's behavior, you are going to find yourself in a situation where you are very frustrated and continually giving your power away. I know this because I was there many, many times before. So let's put the focus on you, because that's where we really create massive shifts. Whenever someone has this experience where they don't want to feel a certain way, but then they continue to have that experience, maybe they continue to have the emotions over and over and over again across multiple days, weeks, months, even years. That almost always means that there is a hidden reward for having that experience. Yes, you heard me right A hidden reward for continuing to have the negative experience that you say that you do not want. And if you're sitting there listening, thinking reward that sounds like a positive. There is no positive to having this experience. I get it. That's what almost everyone says to me when I present this idea, and what happens next is when they open their mind to the possibility then that this could be true, incredibly quick shifts can happen.

Speaker 1: 10:59

First, what I want to do is I want you to explore what is underneath the resentment and the anger. Both of these are focused more on the other person and what they did wrong, which I get, and in order to create more peace in your life, looking inward is key. What may be underneath that resentment and anger? Let's take a stab at this Feeling unimportant, feeling insignificant, feeling worthless. Not good feelings, but likely at least part of what is going on here.

Speaker 1: 11:36

I'm going to ask you a question that you've probably never asked yourself before, and I want to be clear about my intentions. This is not to gaslight you. This is not toxic positivity. The purpose of this question is to guide you to explore what is truly happening for you, so that you can shift the way that you were showing up and so that you can shift the experience that you are having. What if you are choosing to feel resentment? What if you are choosing to feel worthless? What might be the hidden reward? And if you're like holy cow this lady is nuts, choosing to feel these things? I would never choose to feel these things. Just hang with me. I'm going to throw out some ideas. We'll see how this lands.

Speaker 1: 12:30

What might be the hidden reward?

Speaker 1: 12:35

I feel humble. I get attention, I get to be right. I feel like I win. I feel in control. I don't feel like a phony. I get sympathy. Did any of that catch you off guard? I get sympathy. Did any of that catch you off guard If you were in this person's shoes? Some of that, maybe all of that might be hard to hear. I get it, and this is where the magic happens Identifying those hidden rewards. So then, we have concrete next steps inside of Brave Academy Once I guide my clients to identify those hidden rewards that are keeping them stuck in a situation that they say I don't want, I don't want to have this experience.

Speaker 1: 13:26

I walk them through the next three simple steps so that they can release these things, so that they feel free, so that they're not continuing to have the experience over and over and over again that they say they don't want and that they truly don't want. So if you've been feeling stuck, this is likely a big piece of what you have been missing. Dm me the word Academy on Instagram to see if you're a good fit for the program, and I cannot wait to see you on the inside. Thank you for listening today. If you're ready to heal, so that triggering situations no longer control you and so that you can feel empowered, brave and thrive in any situation, dm me the word brave on Instagram and I'll send you a training where you will learn three of the most common mistakes driven women are making that are keeping them stuck in negative emotions, and what you can do instead.