How You May Be Giving Your Power Away

Ever grappled with the challenge of maintaining your calm in the face of demanding children or narcissistic mothers? How about setting up healthy boundaries without sounding defensive or rigid? This episode is the key you've been seeking. Drawing from my personal experiences and professional insights, I explore techniques to handle emotionally charged situations, discuss somatic exercises, and share empowering strategies to prioritize your own needs. Get ready to learn valuable tools for personal growth and confidence building.

We move beyond the basics, going deeper into establishing healthy boundaries and standing your ground. I divulge strategies to identify your real wishes, validate your children's desires, and grow comfortable with saying 'no'. The episode also puts a spotlight on the importance of understanding the meaning we attribute to situations and refraining from accepting them as absolute truths. You will also discover how to differentiate between boundaries set from a defensive stance and those from healthier spaces. Brace yourself for an empowering journey of insights, tools, and techniques to navigate complex relationships and foster personal growth.

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💗 Dr. Steph
@DrStephanieLopez
www.brave-method.com

Chapters

• 0:04 Healing Difficult Mother Relationships and Empowerment
• 8:10 Navigating Boundaries and Assertiveness in Relationships
• 20:01 Boundaries, Defensiveness, and Personal Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hi, I'm Dr Steph and I'm here to guide you on your journey to healing from a difficult relationship with your mother, whether she was narcissistic, emotionally immature or just plain toxic. I want you to know that you are in fact, not broken and you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You can break the cycle. You are a strong, capable woman who can handle any challenge that comes your way, and I'm going to show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Oh my gosh. Welcome back to the Broken to Brave podcast. I am really excited this week, but also for today's episode. Before I get into that, I wanted to share that I am prepping for a two day in person, tomorrow and Thursday. All of my coaching clients, my one-on-one clients and the women in Brave Academy have been invited. Many of them cannot attend this time, but it's going to be incredible and I really cannot wait to witness their breakthroughs and aha moments and insights and shifts. It's going to be good. I mean, if I'm being honest, there is nothing like literally nothing like in person, just cannot fully replicate it online. So, without further ado I want to share.

Speaker 1: 1:44

Today I'm doing something totally different. I had this burst of inspiration hit and I'm like you know what? I want to do an Ask Me Anything on the podcast. So if you're not following me on Instagram and if you're not on my email list, get on there and follow me and get on my email list, because I announced this in both places. I said I'm going to do an Ask Me Anything. Here's the deadline to submit a question. There's like some general topics that you can submit, and I got way more response than I expected, like I was so surprised. So I'm thinking if you all like this, let me know, and maybe I will do this again because, honestly, I got too many questions for me to be able to answer today. I cannot get through all of them. I've got to get back to prepping for that today, but let me just give you an overview of the things that I was asked and then I'll dive into a few of them.

Speaker 1: 2:50

First, I was asked about how to handle children always asking for more and basically feeling triggered by that. Another thing I'm going to do like a high level overview of the questions, because the questions are longer, but I'll just give you a snippet, okay. So the next one was how do I remain calm with my narcissistic mother? Another one was actually about sleep and feeling anxious and how that impacts her sleep. Another was a question about the freeze syndrome. So we have fight, flight, freeze and appease, and she wanted to know if I've worked with people who have dealt with freeze before. And then another question about somatic exercises. Another one about setting boundaries. Another one about how to handle tough conversations. Another one about incorporating your wants into your life when having to put things on the back burner and just hearing people say like, oh, just prioritize yourself, and making it sound so simple, but feeling defeated because that feels impossible sometimes. And then there was yet another question about my relationship with my mom. And the list goes on and on. So I am so happy that you all submitted questions. Let me know, of course, if you enjoy this, and maybe I can do it again. So best way to let me know is to DM me on Instagram.

Speaker 1: 4:26

Okay, before we dive in, here's what I want you to know. I have been doing this work for almost 15 years. There is no way I can convey everything that you need to know in a one way. So I'm not talking to you, it's just one way podcast episode. There's absolutely no way, and it's really the combination of tools that creates the sweet spot of being your best self. So you may have heard my episode on the three pillars that are necessary, that really are going to help you break through. If you haven't listened to that, go back and listen, trying to remember the name of that episode off the top of my head, but it's like the three pillars for healing, I think is what I called it. So I just want you to know. I know it's like super tempting to be like, oh, I have this problem and if I fix it then everything's going to be better, and there's really the combination that's super, super important. Also, if you were sitting in the room with me, whether virtual or in person, before giving you any recommendations, I would ask you a lot more questions, because the more that I understand what you're going through, what you've tried, what you haven't tried and how you are currently dealing with things, the better that I can give you recommendations, feedback and guide you to that breakthrough. So that's super important.

Speaker 1: 5:57

Without further ado, let's go ahead and dive in. So I'm going to keep these names anonymous, but I'll share the first letter of the first name. So T asked. She said a triggering situation for me is when my kids always ask for more. I would like help coming up with better ways to handle what seems like they're never ending quest for more. The trigger is that it makes me feel like what I do is never enough, and it brings me back to when I was in school and I would get an A, but then it was time to worry about the next A, and then the next one, and then the next one, and I felt like I never got a break and if I stopped, then everything would fall apart which, by the way last sentence, is a limiting belief, but that's okay. We're not going to go there today, and some people still feel like this, and that's why I mentioned that. So I totally understand how this situation is triggering and, if I'm being completely honest, it feels triggering to me as well.

Speaker 1: 7:02

And what I want to share with you is there are five major strategies to focus on in order to remain calm in triggering situations, and I go over all of those inside of Brave Academy today. I don't want to completely overwhelm you, so I'm going to focus on one part of one of those strategies and, to be honest, if you implement what I'm about to tell you, it can drastically shift the way that you're responding to your children when they are asking for what they want, over and over and over and over again. So here's what I want to share with you and then go through a few steps. Remind it for step one, remind yourself how important it is that your children are in tune with what they want, and remind yourself how valuable it is that they are asking for what they want. I want you to pause and I want you to think about the adults that you know. Do they know what they want and do they ask for what they want? I'll give you my perspective.

Speaker 1: 8:10

I have run into so many women, so many adults who do not know what they want, and I've run into so many who do not ask for what they want, even if they know what they want. And the thing is is that we are conditioned to show up in this way and the problem is that over time, we disconnect from what we really want and then we lose touch with what we want. So we don't come out of the womb not knowing. We are highly intuitive. Coming out of the womb, we know what we want. We are totally fine asking for what we want because there's no baggage. So the first step is remind yourself how important and valuable that is, because that will eliminate struggles that your children will have in the future.

Speaker 1: 9:01

Second and this might sound wild, especially when it's triggering validate them for asking for what they want. Literally. Thank you for asking what you want, sue. I just made up a random name. Thank you for asking what you want, mike. Thank you for asking what you want, sophie, literally. Third step View this as your opportunity to get more and more comfortable with saying no and putting up a firm boundary, if you want to. So I'm not saying say no to them all the time by any stretch of the imagination, but I want you to really think into. Okay, do I struggle? Have I ever struggled with saying no? Have I struggled with people pleasing? If so, this might feel harder for you. Okay, and we're going to like use this in a different context.

Speaker 1: 10:01

This is important not just with your children, but also in a work context. So I've worked with many leaders. For those of you who don't know, I'm a former NASA psychologist and consultant, and I was there eight years afterwards. I worked up with, worked up, worked with many startup companies as well, and here's what I saw numerous times Leaders would get upset when employees asked for what they want wanted and this is what I sometimes heard it's like. Well, they would basically interpret their employees requests as the employee being ungrateful for everything they receive. So they were kind of taking it as a personal attack and, to be honest, when you talk to the employees, that couldn't be further from the truth. But it created this negative dynamic between the leader and the employees because they were defensive toward the employees and looking at them negatively because they were just asking what they want, versus the leader taking that opportunity just to sink in and get more comfortable with holding a boundary, if they have one. So, just to recap that, view this as your opportunity to get comfortable with saying no in holding a boundary, if you want to.

Speaker 1: 11:26

Step four is notice what you are telling yourself about the situation. Okay, so notice the meaning that your mind is putting on on the situation and here's the key Resist the urge to accept that meaning as truth. It can feel very easy to believe everything that pops in your mind, but if I'm being honest with you, the number of times that my clients have been incorrect about situations that they think are facts is sort of mind blowing, and it happens to me too, and it happens to my husband, it happens to all of us, because we put this meaning on situations based on our insecurities which, by the way, need to work to heal. That's another, another podcast for another day but the goal is notice the meaning that you're putting on it and then resist the urge to accept it as truth. So T, when she submitted this question, she was in tune with the meaning that she put on it.

Speaker 1: 12:29

She said I let me scroll back up here. What did she say? It makes me feel like what I'm doing is never enough. So I want you to really think about this. She's not responding. She's not triggered by anything external to her. She's not actually triggered by her children asking for what they want. She's triggered about not feeling like what she is doing in is enough. It's all internal. Your triggers are not external to you. They feel like they are, but they are inside of you. So that's what you have to get in tune with and resist the urge to accept, and this is something that we do a lot of work around all of this, to be honest, but this is also something we do a lot of work around in Brave Academy and with my one-on-one clients, because it's so powerful and can simplify life in so many ways.

Speaker 1: 13:27

So another thing that this brings up is, if we feel like our children's behavior is insinuating that we are not doing enough, my question for you is are you validating yourself for what you have been doing? Because if you are not giving that to yourself, you will search for it externally, and so that's a reminder to validate yourself. Okay, like I said, there is a lot more that I could dive into on this topic. There are so many strategies that I give my clients so that they can remain calm in these triggering situations, but obviously I give you a lot here and I don't want to completely overwhelm you with a whole bunch of stuff. So I'm going to wrap that question up and I encourage you listen again, jot down notes, implement these strategies and let me know how it goes. Send me a DM on Instagram, dr Stephanie Lopez, and let me know what happens when you apply these things.

Speaker 1: 14:32

So what I'm going to do today is I'm going to answer one more question. I would probably be here for hours if I answered all of them, so I'm going to do two today and I'll read you the next one. So again, I'll just use the first letter of her name, first name, which is M. So M said how do I remain calm with my narcissistic mother, especially when she makes these ridiculous requests and is constantly contacting me and does not respect my boundaries? That I have told her. I have come a long way and I've learned to stand up for myself, but she still gets under my skin. I get that and this is a big question. So we can listeners you can interpret this as an emotionally immature mother, or toxic mother, or narcissistic mother any of the above, honestly, probably anyone.

Speaker 1: 15:25

What I'm about to say is applicable to humans and again, there are five major strategies to focus on to remain calm and triggering situations and I go over all of those inside of Brave Academy, and these strategies fall into two different buckets. We've got our external shifts and we have our inner shifts, our inner healing, and I don't want to completely overwhelm you. I want to give you a few tactical things that you can implement and focus on today that can drastically shift how you're responding to your emotionally immature or narcissistic mother. So first thing that I want to ask you is to what extent have you thought through how you want to respond? What I've noticed is, when I'm talking to clients and talking to women in my community, almost everyone thinks about what they don't want to do. I don't want to get upset, I don't want to feel triggered, I don't want to yell, I don't want to shut down, I don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. But what do you want to do? Because here's the thing If we look at our brain, we have our prefrontal cortex in the front and that does our higher level thinking.

Speaker 1: 16:39

Now, when you are triggered or activated, your prefrontal cortex is into heady I'm not kidding Like it is gone and you are reacting from the emotional center of your brain. So to expect yourself, while triggered, while in fight or flight, to figure out how you want to respond, it's not really going to go well. And to figure out you know how can I respond so that I feel proud later on, it's not going to go well. So this is like if you show up at the gym for a competition and just expecting yourself to nail it, but you never practiced ahead of time, right, like it's just not going to happen. So what do you do? You've got to do some work in advance to figure out how you want to respond. You've got to get really clear on If I did XYZ, I would feel really proud. Now, I know that sounds like a simple question, but if I'm being honest, I sit there with clients and guide them through that, because a lot of them they're like I don't know what can I say, how do I respond to that? They're so stuck in the pattern and so they need guidance there. And so, if that's you, I just want you to know that that's pretty normal and okay. But yeah, that is the first step figure out how you want to respond. And then the second step is visualize. Put yourself in the situation not in a physical situation, but in your mind where your mother is doing what she typically does we're not gonna try to change her, because you don't have any control over that and picture yourself implementing what you wrote down, what you sorted through in terms of how you want to respond to her. You're gonna visualize yourself doing that. Okay, and that's like going to the gym over and over and over and over again to build the muscle so that when you get to the competition or you get to the race, that you've got it nailed All right. So that's the first part.

Speaker 1: 18:54

The second part that I want to talk about today is the boundaries that you have set. If you look at your boundaries, to what extent are you focused on the other person, on your mother, on her behavior versus your behavior, and what you're gonna do? The most effective boundaries are focused on what we will do, because we don't have any control over anyone, especially another adult, and this does apply to our children. So, for example, I can tell my daughter over and over and over again turn off the iPad, turn off the iPad. Turn off the iPad. Technically, that is a boundary or that's a limit that I'm setting. I'm giving her instruction, telling her something to do. Or I can say if you don't turn off the iPad in two minutes, I am going to take it out of your hands. That's what I'm gonna do. Those are the most effective boundaries because we can't control other people. So we have to be clear on what are we gonna do if XYZ happens and then actually following through and doing that.

Speaker 1: 20:01

Now this can get tricky because sometimes people put up boundaries but they are actually doing so from a defensive and rigid place, which is not going to do a lot of good.

Speaker 1: 20:15

That is a very deep topic.

Speaker 1: 20:19

We dive into an entire module around that, so I can't possibly articulate all of that today, but I just want you to kind of have that awareness and ask yourself am I like putting up this healthy boundary, or am I showing up in a way that is defensive?

Speaker 1: 20:35

Or am I showing up in a way that is rigid because I'm actually feeling some insecurity here, I'm feeling maybe ignored or I'm feeling embarrassed or I'm feeling rejected, and that's why it's happening, just as an example. Okay, so go ahead, like I said, and implement those things. Let me know how it goes. I really want you to use what I've shared today and I want to hear how it's been for you and what questions you have as a result of this. So don't hesitate to send me a message on Instagram and I will see you on the podcast next week. Thank you for listening today. If you're ready to heal, so that triggering situations no longer control you and so that you can feel empowered, brave and thrive in any situation, dm me the word brave on Instagram and I'll send you a training where you will learn three of the most common mistakes driven women are making that are keeping them stuck in negative emotions, and what you can do instead.