Have you ever found yourself feeling disconnected from the person you once were, buried under the weight of life's expectations? You're not alone! Let me take you by the hand as we journey back to your authentic self, peeling away layers of societal pressures and rediscovering the joys that make your heart truly sing. This episode is a deep dive into the art of self-discovery and healing from complex relationships.
Together, we'll tackle the formidable world of our subconscious, understanding how defense mechanisms may shield us from insecurities but often at great cost to our true selves, and we'll explore the three pillars—analyze data, activate choice, and absolute acceptance—that can fundamentally change how you perceive and react to life's challenges. If you're ready to shed the armor that fear has built around your joy, this conversation promises to equip you with the tools for lasting change, inviting you to step into your bold, brave, and unapologetically badass future.
In this episode, you'll learn the following: 1. The importance of coming back to oneself and honoring one's true desires and intuition. 2. The reason why doing inner work leads to personal growth and positive change. 3. The three pillars for personal transformation.
DM the word "TRAINING" to access my free training
______________________________________
[FREE TRAINING] How high-achieving women can DITCH anxiety in as little as five minutes a day www.brave-method.com/anxiety
Have you ever found yourself feeling disconnected from the person you once were, buried under the weight of life's expectations? You're not alone! Let me take you by the hand as we journey back to your authentic self, peeling away layers of societal pressures and rediscovering the joys that make your heart truly sing. This episode is a deep dive into the art of self-discovery and healing from complex relationships.
Together, we'll tackle the formidable world of our subconscious, understanding how defense mechanisms may shield us from insecurities but often at great cost to our true selves, and we'll explore the three pillars—analyze data, activate choice, and absolute acceptance—that can fundamentally change how you perceive and react to life's challenges. If you're ready to shed the armor that fear has built around your joy, this conversation promises to equip you with the tools for lasting change, inviting you to step into your bold, brave, and unapologetically badass future.
In this episode, you'll learn the following: 1. The importance of coming back to oneself and honoring one's true desires and intuition. 2. The reason why doing inner work leads to personal growth and positive change. 3. The three pillars for personal transformation.
DM the word "TRAINING" to access my free training
______________________________________
[FREE TRAINING] How high-achieving women can DITCH anxiety in as little as five minutes a day www.brave-method.com/anxiety
Hi, I'm Dr Steph and I'm here to guide you on your journey to healing from a difficult relationship with your mother, whether she was narcissistic, emotionally immature or just plain toxic. I want you to know that you are in fact, not broken and you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You can break the cycle. You are a strong, capable woman who can handle any challenge that comes your way, and I'm going to show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome back. I hope you had a wonderful weekend and made time to do at least one thing that you love.
Speaker 1:
I wanted to take a quick moment to shout out someone Mitch M2M left a review on the podcast and I just wanted to say thank you. She said this is the only podcast I get excited to listen to each week, knowing I'm going to take something positive away from it. I started to listen to the conversation about overcoming anxiety and now I'm tuned in each week. Even if I don't feel like I need to work on certain areas, I always find the topics helpful and insightful and there's always a tidbit to take away, learn and grow. Thank you, I just wanted to say thank you to you for taking the time to do that. I know that we're all very busy and have full schedules, and I just want you to know that it means the world to me that you left a review To anyone considering doing that. I appreciate you so much.
Speaker 1:
So I have a question for you how often are you doing something that makes your heart happy, even if it's small? And if you resonate with having an emotionally immature or narcissistic mother, it is likely that you also resonate with doing what you should do. That was true for me and I found it to be true for virtually all of my clients as well. So let's see, starting in childhood, many get into the habit of doing what they can to please others and taking action for lack of a better word where it's approved or validated by others and doing the quote unquote right thing to do. Does that sound like you? Is that how you have been behaving?
Speaker 1:
What if one of the main points of life is to come back to yourself, to honor what you want deep down, to follow the inner guidance, rather than what people think you should do? What if that's the whole gig. I'm serious. I'm actually really, really serious about this and I don't want to gloss over it because this is really important. Nearly all of my clients say things like I don't know what I want. I don't know what the right decision is. What do you think I should do? I don't want to make a mistake and I get it because this was me. I felt all of this deeply and I've tried to get I. Always in the past I tried to get everything right and perfect and truly thought that's the way that I was supposed to live. I'm here to tell you the magic that started happening in my life and that continues to happen in my life when I come back to myself. The more I tune in and discover what I really want, the more I allow myself to follow my intuition and the more that I don't make myself wrong.
Speaker 1:
For coming back to myself, I want to give you an example. I have one client who, in her career, she'd been in a technical role for most of her life and at her core she is so artistic and very talented and on one of our coaching calls in December we talked about that and I gave her the assignment just to play, because she told me that she bought canvases and they were just sitting on the floor. I just told her I was like what if actually not? What if? I think I really challenged her and I might have even given her a deadline and can't remember for sure just to play, to give herself permission to throw on whatever paint or drawings or this or that on the canvases and do the creative task like she would as a child. You know they're not worried about wasting paint or wasting supplies or like what if this canvas doesn't turn out any good, they just allow themselves to enjoy. And we can always come back to that, always.
Speaker 1:
There's a quote by Emily McDowell. I don't know if you have heard it before, but it truly nails it on the head, so I'm going to read it to you. Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren't a $10 bill in last winter's coat pocket. You're not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under the cultural conditioning, other people's opinions and inaccurate conclusions that you drew as a kid and became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself and unlearning, an excavation in a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you. I just have to repeat that last sentence of remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you.
Speaker 1:
As I was reading that quote this morning, I had to do a Google search to find it because I was like this is so perfect for this episode, I need it. I literally I read it and I started getting teary eyed when I read it, because here's the thing the more inner work that I've done, the more that I know this is how it works. And personally, if I look back decades you know, 15 years ago, 18 years ago, 20 years ago I felt broken and flawed at my core. So whenever I heard things like this, I'm like, okay, come back to who you are, but like who I am, is these like really not so great things? I don't want to come back to that, and I've talked about this a little bit on a previous episode and off the top of my head. I can't remember when I released that one, but I was wrong, and so, if that resonates with you at all, what I want you to consider and just ask yourself is what if I'm wrong too, Just like Steph was, what if I'm wrong too? Okay, and so I think the next logical question is probably okay, but how do I come back to myself?
Speaker 1:
Steph, and I'm going to dive into that, but before I do, I just want to brag on another one of my clients. I'm going to leave out her name because I didn't get permission to share this story, so for ease of referencing her, I will just call her Tanya. Now, I don't think I've ever talked about this on the podcast before, but about 40 to 45% of my clients are entrepreneurs, as well as daughters of emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. And, as it turns out and this has been true for me too entrepreneurship brings up a lot, a lot of stuff, a lot of insecurities and a lot of opportunities for healing, because suddenly most people are going from a steady, pretty reliable, stable paycheck to having to build something from the ground up, and in my opinion, it is the most challenging thing that I have taken on voluntarily in my life. Hands down harder than parenting brought up all kinds of stuff, but like wow, I'm really, really, really grateful for the healing, the additional healing that it's allowed me to do, and I'll probably talk about that on a future episode.
Speaker 1:
So back to Tanya. She had a reoccurring experience of feeling competitive where she needed to be the very best to win and she didn't feel joy if she couldn't obliterate the competition. And if you were raised by a narcissist, you may deeply know that everything was a competition. Growing up, everything was a competition. In fact, just right now I have this memory popping up in my head. I was standing in the kitchen with Ed, my husband, and I don't remember the context of the conversation. All I remember is him looking in my eyes and saying babe, it's not a competition, because and that sat with me, because it always was a competition. That's the way that I thought things worked. So here's what you might not know Unhealthy competitiveness and feeling like it's always a competition is very likely a defense mechanism, and so I want to just briefly go over what is a defense mechanism?
Speaker 1:
Most people think a defense mechanism exists to protect themselves from someone else. That's not what it is. A defense mechanism is something that protects us from our own negative feelings and insecurities. You are unconsciously protecting yourself from yourself. So back to Tanya again. If I asked somebody who knows her about this competitive nature, they would probably say like, oh yeah, that's just her personality. I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself. How many times have I said that? Have I described something about somebody else that like, maybe it's not so shiny, not so nice? And I was like, oh, it's just their personality. And here's the invitation I have for you to catch yourself from now on and to ask yourself, like, ooh, is this what Steph was talking about? Is this a defense mechanism? And I'm willing to bet 98% of the time it is. So I get why people say like, oh, it's just her personality. However, truly, the negative things that we observe in others are almost always not personality, and if they are defense mechanisms and they almost always are I want to say they always are, but I'm just willing to be wrong a little bit. So I'll just like leave that window open. Then, if it's a defense mechanism, then we can do the inner work to heal, and that inner work does not have to take a long time. It doesn't.
Speaker 1:
I want to share a testimonial that I just received. This week, actually, one of my clients started working with me in early July. First I brought her through my 10 week breathwork program and when she completed that, she continued in Brave Academy, and so this is six months we're talking about. She's a completely different woman. She went from feeling anxiety every single day being a people please are not speaking her truth to overcoming anxiety, coming off of medication, no longer going to therapy, and she got herself an incredible new job in six months. There are people that go to therapy and try other things. For years I've been getting messages. I've spent thousands of dollars, thousands of dollars, years in therapy, years on this, years on, that Healing does not have to take a long time. That's another episode. Pretty sure I did that one earlier last year too, but I'm kind of just talking, like you know, off the cuff and I don't remember when I did that one, but I'll just say that healing does not have to take a long time.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so how does this connect with what I was talking about earlier? Tanya learned to be competitive. I learned to be competitive. She was not just born with this unhealthy competitive nature. Neither was I, and in the work that we are doing, I'm guiding her back to who she really is. So again I'm gonna say it what if the whole gig is to come back to yourself?
Speaker 1:
So, with Tanya, during the coaching call that we had last week, she expressed fears about seeking feedback and even though she's a business owner. She had been afraid to ask for testimonials from clients for a year plus. She had fears popping up about what they would say, what criticism they would have if they would say things that were not so nice about her work, and what she was gonna do about that, and just all these fears. I wish I could remember some of the verbatim things because I think they might resonate with you actually, but alas I do not remember the exact detail, the exact wording that she was saying to herself, but you get the gist right. So I guided her through this and I helped her see what is actually happening for her deep down, and part of the work that I do with clients is I always give them clear next steps, because I found, you know, it's one thing to share like theory with somebody, but people wanna know what do I do with this. So we agreed she's gonna take action, she's gonna send out an email and ask for testimonials, and she was able to do this because we did work to help her regulate these fears and I wanna share.
Speaker 1:
The most magnificent thing happened Literally one week later, seven days, she has received over 70 testimonials yes, 70 testimonials and virtually all of them were glowing reviews. I think she had three that had some critical feedback in there, which is great, and she took that critical feedback with Grace. She didn't fall into catastrophizing over it. She didn't fall into worst case scenario. She was able to recognize the feedback for what it was, which is beautiful.
Speaker 1:
And look at what she was keeping from herself. She was allowing for a year plus, allowing fear to stop her from feeling the joy and receiving the validation that people were actually thinking but just hadn't taken the time to send her. And I want you to ask yourself where am I keeping myself from feeling the joy that I could feel, from feeling more happiness? Where am I actually blocking that from myself? And a very clear indication of where you're blocking yourself is where you're allowing fear to take over. So a day after our coaching session, tanya messaged me and she said I'm so grateful for you, this work is so powerful. And then she also expressed gratitude for herself. She said I'm so grateful that I'm willing to go there and to feel, and I have to say I'm so freaking proud of her for being willing to do the work and then also for applying the tools, because it's one thing to learn the tools, an entirely different thing to take action and embody the tools so that you can make those deep shifts, those deep, long lasting shifts.
Speaker 1:
So what I specifically guide clients through is three pillars and you may have heard me talk about these before, you may not have and they are analyze data, activate choice and absolute acceptance. So first one's analyze data, second is absolute. I'm sorry I'm gonna confuse you. First, let's say it again, is analyze data, second is activate choice and third is absolute acceptance. Now, these have to work together.
Speaker 1:
When you combine and you master the first two analyze data and activate choice what you get is a genuine feeling of control. Even in situations where you previously felt like you had no control. You understand what to do when emotions arise. You understand what is causing those automatic emotional reactions like anxiety, catastrophizing frustration you name it and you have the ability to react in a way that you're proud of. You know you heard me repeat what Tanya said about herself. She said I'm so proud of myself. You feeling control of your triggers. A massive trigger for her was feeling like it was a competition and getting that criticism. Thank you very much. You know negative feedback and instead of feeling controlled by that any longer now she has overcome it and it was pretty simple to overcome, and that's the magic of these three pillars working together.
Speaker 1:
Now here's the thing if you only have this analyze data piece and this activate choice piece, but you're missing the third one, absolute acceptance, then some specific pain will still come up for you. You won't feel as happy, you'll have increased stress and you'll constantly you may constantly feel like the world is against you. Well, like, of course, this would be happening to me. Why is this happening to me? I don't want to feel this way. Why would they do this? And you may experience increased irritation. You might be beating yourself up, not really talking kindly to yourself or punishing yourself, really stuck in perfectionism and finding it hard to make the changes that you want to. So, recognizing, I want to make changes and I can't figure out how to make it stick. Okay, so now when you have mastered the next two activate choice and absolute acceptance what you get when those are combined is freedom and confidence, no longer struggling with negative self talk and this experience of feeling unfazed by others, just like Tanya was now able to do with that critical feedback, feeling free of perfectionism, having that reduced anxiety and not feeling like oh, it's my default, this is just the way that I am like, no, you can totally ditch that and having that increased belief in yourself, that confidence in yourself, so that any imposter syndrome just melts away. And if you only have activate choice and absolute acceptance. So that's number two and three. But you're missing the analyzed data piece specifics pain will still come up because you're not addressing the root cause of the triggers. So you're essentially you can like picture this putting a bandaid on a situation and still controlled by it. If you have a boat with a hole and you put a bandaid on it, it's it'll help for a little bit, but like it's going to sink, the water is going to come in, the issues will arise again and maybe maybe you know it the bandaid is like really, really, really good and so it works for a little bit longer, but then it resurfaces. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, now what? What other pain might come up if you only have those two?
Speaker 1:
No clarity on like why am I like this? I hear so many women say that like why am I like this? And there's a very concrete reason that we can heal and overcome. You may continue to feel guarded, struggle with anxiety, rumination, rage and or pain in your body, and why? Because you are suppressing your emotions and your reaction to that might be no, steph, I like I've heard you say that, but I'm not suppressing my emotions. I hear you and I encourage you to just look for one emotion that you say that you don't want to feel. If you had an experience, for instance, of feeling humiliated or feeling shame, would you suppress that or would you feel it? If there's one, there's likely more, and really it only takes one. So just you know, consider hmm, maybe I actually am. And then, when you suppress emotions, other negative outcomes come up. And if you want to learn more about that, you can just DM me the word training and I will send you a link to watch my free training, absolutely free, 48 minutes long, and you can learn exactly what I'm talking about and see if that's you. So, just on Instagram, dm me that word training and I'll send it over for you.
Speaker 1:
Now, when you have combined and mastered the next two. So that's absolute acceptance. That's number three. And then analyzing data that's number one. What you get is you feel happy and calm. You've got that reduced anxiety, reduced rage, reduced anger, and you really understand the cause of your emotional reaction, so that they're no longer controlling you and so that you are in control. So, for instance, if you, your mind goes to worst case scenario or you catastrophize, and then you feel like you're spinning in it and feel like overcome by emotions and anxious and like a little scared maybe sometimes that's what I'm referring to. That's one example. You know, really in any automated emotional reactions you get to be in control.
Speaker 1:
When you have these three pillars working together and feel happy reduce stress, eliminate stress is always my goal and then feel calmer. And if you only have this number three and number one working together, so that's absolute acceptance and analyze data. If you only have those three and you're missing the activate choice, you will feel stuck and unsure how to change. You will find yourself saying you know, I want to feel different, but I can't stop feeling the things I want to feel. So, for example, an example here might be if you keep replaying an argument or a disagreement that you had and it's causing you to feel really unsettled and anxious, but you don't know how to stop replaying it, this is it and you can like, ditch that, like, oh, this is just the way that I am limiting belief and I want to reinforce. You really have to have all three working together.
Speaker 1:
This is where other solutions that you've tried in the past haven't generated the results that you want, because they don't have the three pillars, and this is really where the magic is. So if you have any of the problems that I went over, I guarantee that you're missing at least one of the pillars. So the question is will you give yourself the gift of coming back to yourself and becoming that bold, brave, badass that you already are? My dams are open for no pressure conversation just to see how these pillars can work for for you, and I can't wait to hear from you. Thank you for listening today. If you're ready to heal, so that triggering situations no longer control you and so that you can feel empowered, brave and thrive in any situation, dm me the word brave on Instagram and I'll send you a training where you will learn three of the most common mistakes driven women are making that are keeping them stuck in negative emotions, and what you can do instead.