The Role of Parental Responses in Shaping Our Emotions

Ever wondered how your upbringing has shaped your ability to handle negative emotions? Through reflecting on our childhood expressions of dissatisfaction, we'll unearth how narcissistic or emotionally immature mothers may have skewed our emotional responses, setting the stage for common behavioral mistakes that impede our healing journey.

Discover the transformative power of expanding your tolerance for uncomfortable feelings, both your own and those of others. Building emotional resilience isn't just about surviving tough times; it's about forming deeper connections and standing firm when life gets challenging, as evidenced by my experiences and those of my clients.

In this episode, I cover the following:
1. Common mistakes in emotional responses.
2. Recognizing and changing learned behaviors.
3. The importance of holding space for others' emotions.

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💗 Dr. Steph
@DrStephanieLopez
www.brave-method.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hi, I'm Dr Steph and I'm here to guide you on your journey to healing from a difficult relationship with your mother, whether she was narcissistic, emotionally immature or just plain toxic. I want you to know that you are in fact not broken and you do not have to suffer from anxiety or explosive emotional reactions like lashing out. You can break the cycle. You are a strong, capable woman who can handle any challenge that comes your way, and I'm gonna show you how to have the ultimate control over your reactions so that you are unstoppable. Welcome to the Broken to Brave podcast. Welcome to Brave Podcast. Welcome back.

Speaker 1: 0:51

I am so excited for today's episode. It's going to be a quick one because I am at the beginning of having a cold. We took our girls to Disney last week for a couple days, and now I'm getting sick, so I'm sure I caught some germs while we were there. Speaking of Disney, this is not at all affiliated. My mind was just blown, so I feel like I need to tell everyone One of the two days, that we went to Hollywood Studios and actually, before I keep going, I am not even a fan of Star Wars, that matters. Anyways, we went to Hollywood Studios and we went on the Rise of the oh my gosh Resistance. Rise of the Resistance and holy cow, that is not a ride, it is an entire experience. My mind was blown Like how is it so good? It was incredible. I got off the ride and I was talking to Ed. My husband and I was like, oh my gosh, it's like they saw they being Disney, saw what Universal did with Hogwarts and they were like love it, we're going to do it better. And then they did, my goodness, incredible. So if you have a chance to go to Disney and Hollywood Studios in particular, whether you are a fan of Star Wars or not do not miss that ride. Go on the rise of the resistance.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Okay, moving on from Disney, I also want to share with you that a couple weeks ago, I advertised Bravecation, which is my healing retreat. It is absolutely incredible. If you've been listening the last couple of months, you have heard from several of the women who came this year in February. Right now I'm hosting it once a year and the shifts that they made melts my heart, anyways. So I promoted it and I only have two spots left. So if you're interested in a retreat which is a combination of healing meaning inner work, relaxation, pampering and connection. If that sounds like oh my gosh, I feel like this would be incredible. Send me a DM with the word Bravecation and if you're like how the heck do you spell that? Just send me the word retreat and I will share more information with you about it.

Speaker 1: 3:23

This is the very first year that I will be holding it for five days. I'm super excited. I originally started with three days and most of the women who came to the first two retreats that I put on they're like we need another day, steph. So I added a fourth day and I ran the four-day retreat, I think three times, and then when people came to that one, they're like we need another day, steph, we need more inner work. So here we are five days.

Speaker 1: 3:55

It is in beautiful, sunny Reunion, florida, at this gorgeous, gorgeous mansion with a pool oh my goodness. And it's really the opportunity to have dedicated time to your healing like you can get nowhere else, even if you work with a coach or if you work with a therapist. It's spread out often over many months or many years and this is just all in a short period of time, which is very life-altering for people. That aside, if you're interested, text me the not text. Dm me the word retreat or bravecation and we will see if you are a good fit for it. Now let's keep going.

Speaker 1: 4:42

Today's episode if you are human and you are, if you're listening correct and you speak to other humans, this is for you. I have worked with thousands at this point and today I want to share one of the biggest mistakes that I see people make over and over again, and oftentimes it is not from a bad place. It's just so ingrained in people's behavior they don't even realize they're doing it and it's very commonly glossed over. But first, before I go into all of those details, if you were raised by an emotionally immature, narcissistic or toxic mother, this is even more relevant for you. So make sure you pay attention.

Speaker 1: 5:30

Take a moment right now and reflect on your early years, childhood, teenage years, even your early 20s, when you expressed negative emotions or when you expressed that you were unsatisfied or unhappy with a situation, or when you expressed that something bad had happened, that you didn't want to happen, that something bad had happened, that you didn't want to happen. How were you responded to? How were you responded to by your mother and or your father? Was the situation met with empathy, we're going to get through this. Was the situation met with understanding, where you felt like, oh, they really get me and they're going to be here for me? Was the situation met with validation, for example? It makes sense that this feels heavy. What do you need right now to feel supported? How can I help? If you were raised by an emotionally immature, narcissistic or toxic mother? I am willing to bet that the answer to those questions that I just asked is no.

Speaker 1: 6:44

Someone who has these characteristics has very little to no tolerance for holding space for other people. They have little to no tolerance for holding space for somebody going through something difficult, and I know that you get that. What was more likely? The response that you received? I'll give some examples and you can let me know if this resonates. Oh, you think this is hard? Just wait until dot fell in the blank. Oh, it's not that big of a deal, and maybe sharing something that is way more of a big deal. Or they might say that person or thing wasn't that great anyway, that situation wasn't that great anyway. Or they might respond with something difficult that they are going through and essentially one up you.

Speaker 1: 7:42

How are these resonating? How many times have you been responded to in this way? Have you experienced all of them? Some of them? I'm willing to bet all of them. But here's some other common responses, maybe trying to make you feel better, or look for the silver lining and it could be as simple as saying, like, as you're talking, and describing everything like, oh, that's the silver lining, and even if that's not how you're seeing it, or maybe trying to replace your feelings with happier ones, how is that resonating when you really sit down and you think about your life? How frequently have others responded in that way? I am willing to bet rather frequently, and if this isn't something that you've reflected on before, you might have not even thought too much about it. And now, if you think, if you reflect on it today, you're like, oh yeah, when people respond, I don't feel good. How do you feel in those relationships, in those moments in particular? Do you feel connected, loved, cared about? Probably none of these, right.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Here's the thing, though. If you were raised by someone who showed up in this way, the likelihood that you also do this, whether you recognize it or not, is high. Whether you realize you're doing it or not, it may be causing other people in your life to feel disconnected from you, and they may question how much does she care, maybe never saying it out loud to you. If you think that this could even possibly be you, what I encourage you to do is share these insights with somebody that you love and specifically ask them for feedback, which could be as simple as here's what I learned on the Broken to Brave podcast from Dr Steph today how often do I show up in this way? How often do I show up in this way? And if that person says you don't ask if I did, would you feel comfortable telling me? Just trust me on this one.

Speaker 1: 10:10

If they say no, you don't show up that way, then you follow it with. If I did, would you feel comfortable telling me? What I've seen is that, even if people respond in this way, when you ask that additional question, they are more likely to be honest and say no. Actually, I wouldn't. That's been my experience Either way, no matter what they say. If they say you don't or if they say you do. Ask them to pay attention how you respond to these types of situations over the next week, maybe the next two weeks, and if I were in your shoes, I would also ask them to let me know when I do. But here's the thing Make sure that you talk about how you want them to let you know, because you don't want them to respond in a way like you're doing it and you get defensive or something. Maybe that would feel comfortable for you, but I know that could activate a lot of people. So brainstorm some ways that would feel comfortable, even if it's silly, even if you're like, okay, if you spot me doing it, say, green tree or pineapple or sunshine, whatever you want. Come up with something where they're going to call you in.

Speaker 1: 11:20

When you do not hold space for others and you try to look for the silver lining or invalidate them or one-up them or make them feel better. Remember, we do not want to make others feel better. That's not your job. You don't have to carry that anymore.

Speaker 1: 11:41

And if this is something that you picked up from your mother and now you do yourself, this is a clear sign that there's an opportunity to expand your tolerance for uncomfortable emotions for your own uncomfortable emotions and for others' uncomfortable emotions, so that you can break that cycle. When you build your tolerance in this way, you will be much more resilient, connected to others and unshakable when hard things happen. This is what's been true for me and my clients, and building this skill is one of the main things that you'll learn to embody inside of Brave Academy. So if you'd like more information on that, and just to see if you're a good fit, dm me the word Academy and I will have no obligation to talk with you to see if it's a good fit. I will talk to you next week. Thank you for listening today. If you're ready to heal, so that triggering situations no longer control you and so that you I will talk to you next week, and mistakes driven women are making that are keeping them stuck in negative emotions, and what you can do instead.